Howard Schultz Must Be Stopped!
Don’t let him do to the USA what he did to coffee.
Howard Schultz, the founder of Starbucks, is running for President in 2020 as an independent. The erstwhile coffee Czar claims that the two major parties are basically the same and that the American people are yearning for a champion who can end the gridlock, unite the country and “get things done.” And that champion just happens to be him.
As proof of his suitability for the Oval Office, the billionaire bean maven naturally points to his success in building Starbucks into the java juggernaut it is today. That being the case, I implore my fellow Americans to take a closer look at Schultz’s record before it’s too late.
To be blunt, Howard Schultz ruined coffee.
That’s right, RUINED COFFEE.
But how can that be, you say. Starbucks stores and their iconic paraphernalia are everywhere. On any given day, millions of people can be seen carrying cups of Latte’s, Expressos, Americanos, Frappucinos in sizes from Tall to Grande to Venti.
And that’s the problem.
Schultz made coffee popular without making it better. He made coffee successful while making it practically undrinkable.
Full disclosure, I am a coffee lover. As a creative person, caffeine fuels my day calms me when I’m frantic, energizes me when I’m sluggish and gives me a reason to live.
To me, Starbucks coffee has always tasted burnt. I’ve heard that they buy the cheapest beans and over roast them. I suspect that’s why they offer so many flavored drinks—to mask the fact that the coffee tastes like overcooked battery acid.
“But Mike,” you ask, “how can Starbucks be so successful if the coffee is that bad.” The answer, in a word, is Branding.
Schultz’s genius was in creating a “Coffee Culture.” People who carry around a cup with the sporting the Starbucks logo and drink that horrible stuff see themselves as superior to the average coffee drinker. The Stores themselves are little oasis’s of trendiness where the elite meet, work, kill time between appointments, go on blind dates, and overpay for scones.
Unfortunately, as in much of life, there were unforeseen consequences.
Because Starbucks is so popular that miserable swill has become the standard for high-class coffee, even in non-Starbucks places. Establishments who want to cater to the Starbuck’s crowd, now serve coffee that has that same overcooked, bitter, acid taste.
In Manhattan and the greater Metropolitan area, it’s almost impossible to get a drinkable cup of joe. I’ve become increasingly reluctant to order my usual end of the brew.
So what are my options? Happily, there are two places I can still get a good cup: McDonald’s and Dunkin’ Doughnuts—two businesses that still go mass market and cater to the proletariat.
Power to the People—to go!
As for Schultz, the guy is has taken coffee with the flavor profile of gasoline and turned it into a status symbol. With his talent for convincing people that something terrible is really something great, can you imagine what he’ll do with healthcare?
It could be a Venti problem.