Saint Muffy of the Short Hills Mall

A Holy Woman for Our Times

Recently the Vatican reported that its Committee for Sainthood (Il Committate di Santorini Novi) has been inundated with thousands of emails, texts, and tweets, a handful of letters and a phone call from someone named Bambi, attesting to the miraculous events surrounding a New Jersey woman. Her name is Monica Bradford-Lehman, but she is better known as Saint Muffy of the Mall.

Fashionistas of all sizes and labels have prayed to this unassuming soul, asking her to intercede on their behalf during critical times of personal shopping. They claim she bestows upon them a sense of well being, a positive self-image and fabulous bargains on name brands.

The Short Hills Mall in NJ is best known as the “Mothership” for people for whom money is no object just as long as they can get the latest in clothes and accessories. But beneath this materialistic veneer, we found a spiritual side. Walk into any boutique, coffee bar or up to any cosmetic counter, and you will hear countless stories that attest to the effect this one woman had on the lives of those she touched.

According to an eye witness, there was the time that a shoe store was advertising a sale on Manolo Blahniks. When the doors opened, the crowd was angered to find that the shoes where only available in 5 styles and 3 sizes. The scene threatened to get ugly as shouts of “Bait and Switch” and “My husband is a lawyer…” could be heard throughout the Mall.

St. Muffy worked her way to lone sales girl on duty, calming the crowd by complementing them on their fashion choices. “I’ll never forget her kind words, said Cynthia Beekman, a retail intern who was manning the shop that day, “Listen, Honey, you’ll be fine. OK, ladies, the line starts here. One at a time, one at a time or no shoes for you…”

In no time all the shoppers had been served, each with several pairs of perfectly fitting shoes in the exact styles they wanted. Even more miraculously, over the next week, a number of the shoes were returned for a full cash refund.

There are many other such accounts:

There was the time she parted the doors at Neiman Marcus so her followers could get an early look at fall line…

OR the time she turned a table full of shawls that were labeled 80% Rayon, 20% Cotton, into pure Pashmina…

OR the time she made over a “Fashion Leper” using only what she could find at Target.

“There seems to be no end to the people she helped,” said an employee from the Livingston Mall who asked not to be identified.

In response to the overwhelming petitions for canonization, the Vatican has responded by pointing out that Muffy, despite her undeniable good works, did not meet the first requirement for sainthood…she’s not dead. “That may be true,” said one of her supporters, “but her husband used to work at A.I.G..and all their credit cards we canceled, so she might as well be.”